Potty Training

On a recent 3-hour train ride, the 8 gallons of tea I drank that day came back to haunt me.  As a general rule, I try not to use the bathroom on modes of public transportation.  But I just couldn’t wait.

I stood in line for my turn in the bathroom, took one look inside the door, and then turned around and went directly back to my seat.  The bathroom was a squatter, a squatty potty, a nasty hole in the floor where people pee and poop.  Gross.

What’s the big deal? you may naively ask.  Well, let me tell you a little bit about the ol’ squat toilet.

It’s gross.  Basically, it’s a hole in the floor, where you would normally put a toilet.  The idea is that you stand over the hole, squat way down, and try your best to pee, not pee on your clothes, and not fall over into other people’s pee, all at the same time.  Why not just put a toilet in?  Seems like the same amount of work for the contractors.

Anyways, up to this point, I had done a solid job of avoiding the squatter at all costs.  Many a day, I had held my bodily functions for an extra hour or so until I could find a “real” toilet.  I just didn’t have the skills required to use the squatty potty.

I mean, I know how to squat.  I know how to pee.  And I know how to not pee on my clothes.  But combining all three?  Baffling!  

So there I was, on the train, 8 gallons of tea sloshing around in my bladder, threatening to force its way out with every jolt and rumble of the movement of the train.  I was not going to make it another hour.  I turned to my friends for help.  What was I doing wrong?  Why was I the only person who seemed incapable of using the bathroom in Taiwan?  Obviously I was missing some key element of the process.  Millions of people pee this way everyday.

After getting some tips from my friends (who of course thought it was ridiculous that I had lived in Taiwan for 2 months and still didn’t know how to use the bathroom like a big girl), I mustered up my courage and headed back into the depths of the train toilet.  I rolled up my jeans (so they didn’t drop into the puddles of strangers’ urine) and did my business.  I even managed to avoid getting splash-back from my own pee on my feet!

Ugh.

Feeling relieved in more ways than one, I gingerly headed back to my seat.  I peed in the potty!  Mommy and Daddy would be so proud!

Taroko Gorge: The trip that almost was.

Today’s lesson: Plan ahead.

In honor of Taiwan’s 100th birthday, we had a three-day weekend.  Perfect chance to get out of Taipei and see the other wonders of Taiwan.  Ever since my Lonely Planet guide arrived in the mail back in July, I knew that Taroko Gorge was at the top of my list for must-sees in Taiwan.  So, I put the idea out to my friends, and then completely stopped doing any sort of planning.  I let everyone else take over.

Well, maybe my poor-planning Karma came back to haunt me.  The weekend was a BLAST, but I’m going to have to leave Taroko Gorge on my Taiwan Bucket List.  Never officially made it there.....

After wandering around the Taipei Main Station for a while, our motley crew managed to buy train tickets and make it to the correct platform.  

At Taipei Main Station, platform 4a

We boarded the train, and three hours later, we arrived in Hualien, the nearest town to Taroko National Park.  It was pitch black, pouring down rain, and we didn’t have a hotel reservation.  (Remember -- no plan here.)  Oh, and I forgot my umbrella.

Megan and Carys in the pouring rain

We were lucky enough to have a random 7/Eleven dude point us to a hotel across the street, where we decided to save $3US each and pile 6 grown adults into one room with two double beds.  More money for beer, I guess. 

And beer money we did spend!  We dropped our stuff and ran down the block to the KTV, dodging stray dogs along the way.  If you know me at all, you know how much I enjoy having all the attention on me, so naturally, karaoke is one of my favorite activities.  This being Taiwan, there were only a handful of English songs to choose from, but somehow we made the fun last for the entire 3 hours we signed up for.  Here’s just one sample of our amazing skills: 

My Asian karaoke debut complete, we decided the fun surely could not stop yet, so we headed to the bar.  It was a mere 5-minute death-defying cab ride away.  Perhaps we should have called it a night, but instead we stayed out “raging” until daybreak.  Ugh.  I told myself last time that I would NEVER EVER stay out at the bar until 6am again.  Well, this time I mean it.  I’m too old for that crap.

Since we partied ourselves into oblivion, no one really cared that our sleeping arrangements included one person on a padded bench, two people sharing each rock-hard double bed, and one person huddled at the foot of one bed.  We slept till noon.

After showering and convincing ourselves we were not going to die of hangover-itis, we embarked on our journey to Taroko..... the whole reason for this trip.  Unfortunately, it was already 2pm, it took us a while to figure out how to buy a bus ticket to the park (thank God Carys speaks Chinese), and then we had to wait an hour for the next bus to come.  And the bus ride itself was an hour long.  We didn’t arrive at the park until 4:30pm or so.  Oops.

It was still raining, and we had heard that the actual gorge was closed to visitors due to the danger of rock slides because of all the recent rain.  And it was going to be dark soon.  We still wanted to do some sort of Taroko activity, so we marched through the little town and up to the entrance to the park.  We found the Welcome Center closed, so we chose a trail from the map and started hiking.

Heading into Taroko National Park

Soon we discovered we were in over our heads.  Again, planning was not our strong point this weekend.  Some of the members of our group were wearing flipflops, so real hiking was out of the question.  It was raining, which made us a bit miserable.  And then we discovered the spiders.

You may remember my encounter with the spiders on Maokong Mountain.  These were their jungle brothers.  Huge, truly huge spiders hanging in massive webs just above the average height of the frequent hikers. 

Ah! Spiders!

Well, I’m taller than the average hiker, so as darkness fell upon us out in the wilderness, I became concerned for my wellbeing.  I did not want to walk unknowingly into a low-hanging spider web.  So as we made our way back down the trail to get out of the way of the impending doom of the woods, I walked doubled over at the waist, crouching down so as not be the tallest one in the group.  Call me cowardly, but someone else can get spiders in their hair.  No thanks.  I like being alive.

Safely at the bottom of Spider Mountain, we meandered back into town to wait for the bus back to Hualien.  That was the end of our time in Taroko National Park.  A whopping 1.5 hours.  Most of which I spent in not-so-quiet terror that arachnids were about to eat my face.

While we waited for the bus, we stepped into a little cafe, where the owner was serving millet wine coffee.  Basically, I think he took millet wine and reduced it down to a syrup and then poured it in coffee.  I ordered it cold, and it was .... not undrinkable.  The others ordered it hot and ended up with curdled alcoholic coffee.  Yum.  

Iced, mildly-disgusting millet wine syrup coffee 

Hot, super-nasty millet wine syrup coffee

When we arrived back in Hualien, we were famished.  We went into a restaurant where we had the most bizarre ordering experience.  Here’s a short reenactment.  Please bear in mind that the waitress spoke mostly Chinese, which only adds to the humor of the situation:

Us: Can we see the menu?

Waitress:  Sure, here is ONE menu.  I know there are six people at the table, but you can share one menu.  I will stand here at the end of the table and wait for you to order.  Please order now.  Go.

Conor: Can we have a pot of tea for the table?

Waitress: Sure, but I’ll only bring you one cup.

Conor: Can I have a lemonade with my meal?

Waitress: No, you idiot. You already ordered tea.

Janet:  I’d like an order of spicy tofu with my meal.

Waitress: Ok, crazy lady.

Me:  Can I have the Kung Pao Chicken, please?

Waitress: That’s way too spicy for you.

Me: No really, it’s ok.

Waitress: Whatever....

Megan:  I’d also like an order of spicy tofu.  Oh, and some noodles, please.

Waitress:  MORE spicy tofu????  There’s already one order!  You want TWO orders of tofu????

Megan: Yes, I’d like my own.

Vanessa:  Actually, I’d also quite like an order of spicy tofu.

Waitress:  Wait.  Three?  Three orders of tofu?  What??

Us: Yes, three.

Waitress, to Megan: Would you like taste with your noodles?  They don’t come with taste.

Megan:  I’m assuming you mean sauce, so yes, I’d like some taste on the side.

Conor: Can we get some more cups for the tea?  There are six people and only one cup.

Waitress: No.

Thank God the food was delicious because we were exhausted after just ordering.  And I spared you the part when we had to pay.....  One more example of how much I need to learn Chinese.

Of course we had no plan for the rest of the evening, but we all agreed it would be best NOT to relive our previous night’s shenanigans at the KTV.  We went to get massages instead!  My masseuse had little steel nubs implanted under the skin on his thumb knuckles, so when he rubbed my feet, he really ground into the nerves and tendons and stuff.  It was painful, but the good kind of pain.  And he taught me some Chinese along the way, so all-in-all, a wonderful experience.  Fei chang hao!

Pre-massage soak

We spent the rest of the night relaxing in our hotel, watching a delightful movie called The Bounty Hunter.  We laughed. We cried. We all agreed: this movie sucks.  Who thinks these plots up??  Still, a wiser choice than drinking beer and saki until 6am.

The next morning, we woke up “early” (11am) and headed to the train station to go back to Taipei.  Silly us, we didn’t plan ahead (!) and the trains were packed with other human beings who were also traveling on the holiday weekend.  The audacity!  We all got tickets for the same train, but there were no seats left.  Standing room only.  

The next three hours dragged on as we hunkered down together in the train bathroom waiting area.  The six people from our group, plus 4-6 other unlucky no-seat passengers, sat, squatted, and stood completely in the way of people getting on the train, getting off the train, attempting to pass through to another car, or using the bathroom. 

Our cozy little corner

It may seem as though the weekend was an endless montage of frustrating events full of disappointment and misery.  But no.  It was a comedy-packed weekend full of “we should have planned ahead” and “we’ll look back on this and laugh.”  I definitely want to go back and actually SEE Taroko Gorge.  But I’ve learned that I need to plan things out a bit better. 

Oh, and that Gerard Butler has a weird mouth.

Home Sweet Taiwan

Yikes, long time no blog.  

People have been asking what I’ve been up to lately, since I’ve been absent from the blogosphere.  I don’t have a very exciting answer to that question, which I guess means that I’ve been settling into a routine here.  I feel as though I have become more comfortable living in Taiwan.  More like it’s my home, not just some foreign place I’m visiting for a while.  Hooray!

I still don’t speak any sort of useful Chinese.  Aside from a (very) few basic words, phrases, and food orders, I continue to rely on pointing and gesturing.  Now, if you’re like Carey Van den Busch and know that I’m an excellent “handsy-talker”, you may think that this talent is serving me well.  No.  I MUST learn Chinese soon.  I went this weekend to sign up for free weekly lessons at the public library, but the class was full.  Lucky for me, my Teaching Assistant wants to do a language exchange.  She’ll teach me Chinese, and I’ll help her improve her English.  I’m VERY excited about this.  At some point, beef noodles (the only thing I know how to order) are going to get old.....

Speaking of food, I have fully embraced the starchy, starchy diet of the Taiwanese.  This is a common conversation in my life:

Me:  “I’m hungry.  Let’s get something to eat.”

Others:  “What would you like to eat?  Rice?  Noodles?”

Me:  “How about something with vegetables?”

Others:  “Oh, ok.  How about vegetable noodles?  Or vegetables with rice?”

Me:  “Ummmmm......”

Salad isn’t really an option.   Oh, unless you like salad covered in mayonnaise “dressing.”  It’s ok, though.  I rinse it all down with about 12 cups of tea per day.  I haven’t had a Diet Coke since I bought one at Chicago O’Hare.  I never see Diet Coke in the stores or at restaurants.  Coke Zero is available, but we all know that’s not the same.  But the tea!  So many varieties!  Jasmine tea, Oolong tea, green tea, black tea, lemon tea, milk tea, yogurt tea.....  I’m drinking my way through the 7-Eleven refrigerator section.  ALMOST as fun as drinking my way through the tap beers at Bar Louie. :)

The one part of my life here that is starting to bother me is my sleeping schedule.  Three days a week I have to be at work by 1:30pm.  The other two days I don’t have to clock in until 4pm!  This may sound wonderful, but it is wreaking havoc on my sanity.  I knew that my schedule would be different when I moved here, but I imagined myself spending my mornings being productive, going to the gym, maybe doing some sight-seeing.  No.  It is all I can do to drag my bones out of bed at 11am.  What am I, 15 again?  What adult with a real-life job sleeps until almost noon on a regular basis???  I guess one who works second-shift.  Anyways, everyday I tell myself I will wake up at 9am.  I even set my alarm.  I hit the snooze bar until 9:30 or 10 before resigning to the fact that I will absolutely NOT get up.  I turn the alarm off and roll over back to sleep.  Then at night, I tell myself my bedtime is midnight, and it’s lights out!  The couple times I have actually followed my own rule, I have tossed and turned until 2am or later.  This, in turn, makes getting up with the 9am alarm impossible, and so the cycle continues.  So. Much. Sleeping.

Uh, now you all know the REAL reason I haven’t blogged in two weeks.....